Friday, May 19, 2006

D&D Guide to Hiking Equipment

For those not prepared to geek out utterly, please skip thos post and pretend that you never saw it here. Please. I was a man once.

That said . . .

Titanium Trekking Poles +2

Resembling a long and slender pair of cross-country skiing poles, this piece of equipment allows the user to add his Strength bonus to any Endurance skill check. The tungsten tips provide a sure grip while worsening the effects of trail erosion, providing a +2 Diplomacy skill bonus when speaking with Republicans. The titanium pole bodies are strong enough to deflect a machete blow from a moonshine-addled hillbillie, but light enough to bestow a +2 to attack rolls. Unfortunately, the poles do as much damage as a blow from a wet cereal box. Clutching them protectively against your chest provides a +2 Will saving throw bonus versus being terrorized by harmless animals at 2:00 AM.

Pepper Spray of Enraged Bear Summoning

This three inch cylinder contains a magical spray that transforms a target 3 HD black bear into a beserk bear with the Fiendish subtype. The enraged fiendish black bear immediately attacks the wielder, but is blinded and confused, taking -4 to all attack rolls and unable to distinguish targets. May attack the spray wielder's companions, which also makes it a "Pepper Spray of Hostile Hiker Summoning".

Gnomish Gnorl's Everfull Bag of Mashed Potatoes

This 24" by 8" waterproof bag resembles a normal waterproof stuff sack, but when a questing hand is thrust into its depths, Gnomish Gnorl's Everfull Bag is always found to contain 3 bags of randomly flavored instant mashed potatoes. The bags are replenished as they are used with a random flavor of instant mashed potatoes. No one knows how Gnormish Gnorl's potato magic works, whether it be Crowlian mysticism, simple voodoo, or because these potato bags are alive. This magic is starting to freak me the hell out. I swear the things are breeding in there.

Beaucoup's Buoyant Backpack

This slim backpack can fit up to 4000 cubic inches without weighing anything at all. This item is exceptionally rare. In fact, this item does not exist at all. If it did, there would be only as many backpackers as there are Beaucoup's Buoyant Backpacks. All other hikers would be dead. Such is the dramatic and fatal lure of Beaucoup's Buoyant Backpack.

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