Saturday, July 01, 2006

Madkeeper

Waynesboro, VA
Mile 842

DISCLAIMER: Some of this post may contain disturbing material.

There's a fellow I met on the trail a few weeks back, whose name I will be keeping from this account, as he has quite a few aquaintances that are off their freaking rockers. I'll call him Trackless, or Track, for short.

A former through-hiker, Track feels the need (as many former AT hikers do) to help fellow hikers. Lord knows Track's charges need it.

There's Marge, the paranoid schizophrenic who, after hiking the trail, decided that she was the real reason behind Edward's abdication in the middle of the last century. Something about being a lost lovechild or queen of England. The Lindberg baby was also involved, but as I was not writing the whole story down as Track recollected it, I've completely forgotten how that tied in. I regret my decision to not take notes, because the whole thing was incredible. Track has frequently had to rescue other hikers from Marge's . . . Accusations.

MARGE (seemingly normal): Did you see the photo montage on Reagan last night? They must have had that all made up, just waiting for him to pass away. How awful!
HIKER: Actually, one of my best friends works for CNN, and she can . .
MARGE: HOW CAN YOU LET HER LIVE KNOWING WHAT SHE KNOWS!!!??

Track was worried about poor Marge, as she was not in her usual hideyholes. I shared his worry. Given our nation's enlightened attitudes on mental illness, chances are Marge is in jail. It could be worse, I said to Track. At least she's white.

Another guy I'm not even going to try hiding the identity of, because he sounds like a jerk. Leonard something. Bill Bryson featured him under a pseudonym in his AT classic, "A Walk in the Woods", but heaven help me if I can remember the pseudonym.

One of Leonard's standard shenanigans was walking up to people's tents in the middle of the night, unzipping doors and shining his flashlight in their faces, proclaiming, "You're not gonna make it" . . ."You'll make it" . . . "You're not gonna make it". Supposedly, Track said, he was passing judgement on who would or would not complete the trail. I mentioned that it sounded like a good way of getting a few hollowpoints in the chest.

This Leonard character goes by the name "HEELED" now, as he's spent several months in a mental institution after spraying female hikers with his own semen. Unsurprisingly, HEELED is also a former through-hiker.

The good thing is that all these wards of Track were probably terminally unhinged before they made their hike. At least now they can live semi-peacefully in the Virginia woods, watched over by Track.

Mind them well, Madkeeper.

1 comment:

Roz Lynch said...

Reading your blog posts makes me want to get out of London and head for the countryside...