Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Little Pink Houses

Knot Maul Shelter
Mile 550

Leaving the interstate after Sugar Grove, VA, the Trail in Virginia plunges into quite a few scenes of pastoral beauty. Rustic farmhouses dot the gentle hills with such profusion that I began to think I was being stalked by John Cougar Mellancamp. There he was, prancing across the fields, strumming his one chord as if beating someone to death with his fists.

After being continuously haunted by this specter I began to wonder: how can I detect John Cougar Mellancamp before he surprises me with mildly socialist lyrics? Using the amazing technology encapsulated in my Palm, I have developed a computer program that detects John Cougar Mellancamp before he begins annoying my social conscience. Let's ask a test question from what I call the Mellancamputer. . .
Me: Mellancamputer! Arise!
MELLANCAMPUTER: WHAT IS THY BIDDING?
Me: Why is John Cougar Mellancamp surrounded by supermodels when he has what is arguably one of the homeliest faces in the music business?
MELLANCAMPUTER: IT IS CALLED "CULTURE SLUMMING". IT IS THE SAME REASON YOU SOMETIMES WATCH PRO WRESTLING.
Me: I hate you Mellancamputer.
MELLANCAMPUTER: IT COULD BE WORSE. A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, PEOPLE LIKE HIM WERE LEADING ARMED REBELLIONS AGAINST THE SOCIAL ORDER.
Me: <delete mellencamputer>

I guess there was a reason I left the IT business. I just don't understand these computer things.

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